Your newborn dozes off in the bouncer and you decide this is the perfect time to take a shower. You go to the bathroom and undress.
You get nervous your baby will somehow figure out how to detach the strap holding her in the bouncer, giving her free rein of your house. The fact that she can’t move is not important. You run back out of the bathroom (fully naked, I should mention) and successfully transfer the baby to her crib.
You get in the shower. You allow yourself to appreciate the warm, cleansing water.
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The baby starts crying. Wait. Is that crying? You aren’t sure. You stick your head out of the shower and listen intently. You might be imagining it. You shampoo as quickly as possible just in case. You wash your body at lightning speed. The baby’s cries get louder. Yes, that is definitely crying now. What about conditioner? Do you have time for conditioner?? You must get out as soon as possible. Wait! Have you shampooed yet? YOU CAN’T REMEMBER!!!
The baby’s cries escalate to unbearable levels. OH MY GOD, THE BABY MUST THINK SHE HAS BEEN TOTALLY ABANDONED AND THIS TEN-MINUTE SHOWER IS GOING TO RUIN HER FOR LIFE!!!
You turn the water off. There is complete silence. Did the baby stop crying or was she never crying to begin with? No matter. Time to condition. You turn the water back on.
Why is the baby being so quiet??? Something must be wrong. You stick your head out of the shower and shout in the baby’s direction. “BABY!!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY?????” The baby doesn’t answer you. OH MY GOD, SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!
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The baby starts crying again. OH THANK GOD.
You emerge from the shower, naked and wet. You run to the baby, nearly slipping on the bathroom floor. You scoop her up in your arms. “OH, SWEETIE! I’M SO SORRY!!!!!! I’LL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN!!!!!”
Shit. Is that still conditioner in my hair?
Excerpted from The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting by Ilana Wiles.